Thursday, August 27, 2009

Honey, I'm Home!

This is the first time I've spent a prolonged amount of time at home in a while. To be honest, it feels weird. My room feels smaller than the last time I was here for a while. DC seems smaller and I feel suffocated. In the last three months, I haven't laid in this room longer than 3 days, it's now been 4 days and I don't leave again for another week or two.

Most people wouldn't understand the itchy feeling I get when I'm home, others get it clearly. I've never been one to stick around in one place too long. I like to move, I like to see things, I like to be around different people. Being a traveling model allows me to cater to this habit. I get to see everything I've been dying to see since I was little. I get to meet some of the best people and I get to scratch that itch. I love it. Being home for me equates that I'm not doing anything in my mind. I could have a week of work here and yet I still feel like I don't belong here. The comforts of home are here, but my heart hasn't been here for a long time.

At the same time, this job also has it's repercussions for not allowing me to stay in one place for too long. I have people who constantly worry about me. My family's always calling to check on me. I could be two hours away and they still worry. I hate putting that kind of stress on them. I want to be able to make them worry less, but I can't. There's nothing in the world I can tell them to make them feel at ease. In another way, I've also excluded myself from a lot of friends and "normal" people. When everyone wants me home or to see them on their birthday, I can't sometimes. It gets hard and strained on all my relationships to explain why I'm not around as often. I can't be the shoulder like I used to for my best friend to cry on and I can't always have someone to hold me at night when I have nightmares. These are the sacrifices I make to do what I love and it's ok.

I find myself weighing the pros and cons frequently sometimes of this job. Sometimes the cons outweigh the pros and other times it's flip-flopped. That's just how it goes and I can't change that. I did manage to fit in a family vacation for next weekend. My dad asked and shockingly I had the weekend free, so I agreed. However, those 4 days are rare for the next few months. As soon as I get back I pack back up to o to the west coast. I'm just glad I found a little moment to reconnect and put my family at ease, even if it is short-lived.
Photo by: Keith Allen Phillips, San Diego, CA

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